She (Italy 1983)

Rating: *
Review Date: 8/1/15
Cast: Sandahl Bergman, David Goss, Quin Kessler, Harrison Muller Jr., Elena Wiedermann

I have fond memories of the 1980's, until I'm reminded that it also produced crap like this. "She" is an incomprehensible mess of bizarre and disconnected set pieces set in a vague, post-apocalyptic world. Tom and Dick (David Goss and Harrison Muller Jr.) are on their way to market when Tom's sister (adorable Elena Wiedermann) is kidnapped by a band of marauding Norks. To make matters worse, Tom is captured and tortured by the goddess She (Sandahl Bergman), and then left to die. But Tom is a pretty tough guy and manages to recover. Determined to rescue his sister, he's forced to enlist She's aid, as she's the only one who knows where the Norks live. Much nonsense goes down until eventually Tom, Dick, She, and She's guard Shandra (Quin Kessler) decide to work together and attack the Norks. Along the way, they meet samurai warriors, a Frankenstein android, Nazi football players, mummies with chainsaws, mad scientists, a hairy giant in a tutu, a telekinetic cult leader with glowing eyes, a ridiculous bridge guard that can clone himself, and a clan of orgiastic werewolves.

There aren't enough drugs in the world to comprehend what's going on in this movie, and how it got made in the first place is a complete mystery. I'm still in a state of shock after watching it. Even more bizarre is the soundtrack, which includes original music by Rick Wakeman, Justin Hayward, Motorhead, and Bastard. Totally unreal. It's a super low budget production, and everything about it is a complete embarrassment. Sandahl Bergman looks great and is in excellent form, but she seems completely lost in a sea of absurdity. Fortunately, her fight scenes are better than anyone else's, so she manages to come across as a skilled warrior and a force to be reckoned with. David Goss makes a charming and reluctant hero, and takes the material far more seriously than it deserves. For fans of bizarre cinema and curiosity seekers only.