Killer Tongue (UK/Spain 1996)

Rating: *
Review Date: 10/16/99
Cast: Melinda Clarke, Mapi Garan, Robert Englund

How did this film ever get made, and why does it even exist? My guess is to serve as a textbook example of incompetent and irresponsible filmmaking. Okay, okay, with a title like "Killer Tongue," you don't go in expecting quality entertainment. But still... Candy (sexy Melinda Clarke) and Johnny are bank robbers, and while Johnny takes the heat for their latest heist, Candy is hiding at a convent as a gas-pumping nun. Four years later when Johnny is about to be released from prison, Candy sheds her habit and runs home with her four poodles to prepare for his arrival. Too bad for her, a meteor from outer space lands in her soup, causing her to become a symbiant host to a six-foot long killer tongue. The poodles also lap up the soup and turn into drag queens. Uh, who writes this crap?!? While Candy is trying to adjust to her newfound dependent, Johnny's got his hands full of trouble with the warden (creepy Robert Englund) who doesn't want to give him up. Fortunately, the one person who can save them is a nun named Rita (babelicious Mapi Garan), and she and Johnny eventually team up to battle Candy and her flaming associates. (lucky for us, Ms. Garan loses the nun duds in favor of sexy lingerie for the second half of the film) The dogs are killed and the tongue is finally destroyed, returning Candy to normal - sort of.

Pretty much everything about this film is awful, but the editing sticks out as the worst of the bunch. And not that this is the filmmaker's fault, but the pan-and-scan version of the film just reeks! Nearly half of the entire film features characters that are offscreen! The tongue effects are kind of interesting, but they're not enough to keep the film going - no big surprise there. Melinda Clarke is an attractive and very expressive actress, but why, Melinda, why?!? She deserves better. Do yourself a favor and avoid this one.