Jewel Raider (2001)

Rating: *
Review Date: 12/23/01
Stunt Choreography: Kamikaze Stunts
Cast: Jewel (Angelica Costello), Dominica Leoni

Hmmm... It seems that kung fu is popping up everywhere these days - even in porn films. This ludicrous rip-off of "Tomb Raider" (2001) is 77% hardcore sex, 17% exposition, and 6% action. And for some sick and perverted reason, I felt compelled to check it out, hoping for the ever-so-slim chance that it might offer something unique or interesting. HA! Not a chance... The ridiculous "story" concerns a rich and beautiful adventurer named Laura Croff (Jewel) who is trying to obtain an extraterrestrial artifact from a nasty guy named Jeremy Cross, who in turn had originally stolen the artifact from a wealthy businessman named Bruce Wayne. Ugh. The plot and all of its dialog was obviously written in ten minutes or less on the back of a cocktail napkin. Shot on video under awful lighting conditions, the excruciately long and boring sex scenes are linked together by brief moments of low budget kung fu action, which at times is actually marginally entertaining. Unfortunately, there's only a total of 5 minutes of action in the video (yes, I counted), which makes the rest of the show a serious trial in tedium. Overall, it's simply a pointless and totally confusing sex flick where the heroine occasionally (and unconvincingly) shoots a gun or kicks a bad guy in the face. Extremely disappointing, and I would actually prefer watching the god-awful "Zero Woman" series for this kind of action-porn entertainment.