Blade Trinity (2004)

Rating: **
Release Date: 12/8/04
Cast: Wesley Snipes, Kris Kristofferson, Jessica Biel, Parker Posey, Ryan Reynolds, Triple H, James Remar, Francoise Yip Fong Wah

Ludicrous and pointlessly violent, but marginally enjoyable. The vampire nation continues to search for a way to live in sunlight, and their latest plan is to revive Count Dracula, the first vampire, who is apparently impervious to sunlight. Ridiculous, I know. Queen bitch Danica Talos (Parker Posey with WAY too much makeup) leads the expedition and unearths their progenitor in a Syrian temple, and Dracula agrees to help Danica hunt and destroy Blade (Wesley Snipes). Meanwhile, Blade has found some new vampire busting friends including Whistler's daughter Abigail (confident Jessica Biel) and an immensely irritating guy named Hannibal King (cute as a button Ryan Reynolds). These newfound allies are working on a vampire virus that could wipe out the entire race - and Blade too. Not surprisingly, the film ends with a sword fight between Blade and Dracula, shamefully obscured by poor camerawork and hideous editing. Ho hum.

First of all, Jessica Biel with a gun is an enchanting sight. (too bad I haven't found a publicity photo of that yet) Despite the awful cinematography, she holds her own quite nicely and is full of confidence and conviction. A pleasant surprise. Special credit must be given to Ryan Reynolds as well, who is strapped with some of the worst dialog ever written. Amazingly, his delivery is so perfect that he manages to elevate his character from completely detestable to merely annoying, which is an incredible feat. Parker Posey's overdone performance is so utterly absurd that it's laughable, while WWE wrestler Triple H serves as little more than a punching bag. Why is he even in this film? But the biggest disappointment is the complete under-utilization of Yip Fong Wah, who has less than a minute of screen time. She doesn't even get to fight, which is a crime in and of itself. What were the filmmakers thinking? Wesley Snipes drops any notion of characterization and spends the entire film in a constant state of disinterested brooding. He, just like Blade, is tired, and it shows. Taking inspiration from the first film, the writing is ridiculous and the dialog is atrociously bad and juvenile. Who comes up with dialog like "cock juggling thunder cunt" and thinks it's a good idea? The soundtrack is terrible, opting to complement the lackluster action with loud and obnoxious trip-hop instead of something more serviceable. It also serves as a tasteless and gratuitous plug for Apple. Attitude is substituted for nearly everything in the film, and as a result the movie is boring and devoid of any feeling. Inappropriate and unfunny humor is thrown in to try and lighten the tone, but it just comes off as stupid. Since when did "edgy" become a synonym for "stupid?" From what I could tell, the action sequences are well staged, but so horribly shot and edited that you can't see what's going on. A true shame, since both Wesley Snipes and Jessica Biel have the talent and physicality to perform some impressive work.

As stupid as the film was, I found myself revelling in its mindless comic violence until the end credits rolled. Any shred of dignity and self respect that may have been in the film is utterly discredited by the last line in the credits: "Word." Give me a break. Then, to disgrace the film even further, we're treated to a pointless and nonsensical shot of Blade driving his car. Huh?!? Is this supposed to be cool? It's more like getting kicked in the groin as you walk out of the theater.