Undead Pool (2007)

Rating: *
Alternate Titles: "The Girls Rebel Force Of Competitive Swimmers", "Attack Girls' Swim Team Vs. The Undead" (US Title)
Review Date: 7/3/12
Cast: Sasa Handa, Yuria Hidaka

Simply horrid. Of course the cover art is awesome and lured me in with a picture of Sasa Handa in a one-piece bathing suit, posturing menacingly with a bloody chainsaw. Curse my weakness for such things! Anyway, shortly after a melancholy girl named Aki (Sasa Handa) arrives at her new high school, a deadly virus attacks the staff and students, turning them into flesh eating zombies. For some reason, the girls' swim team is unaffected, which forces them to take up arms against the hordes of undead who want to nibble on their deliciously nubile bodies. Naturally, they choose to do battle in their swimsuits. Things get increasingly ridiculous, as Aki's tortured past as an assassin is fleshed out, and a bizarre lesbian love affair gets underway with a girl that might be her long lost twin sister (Yuria Hidaka). Okay... Everything boils down to an act of revenge from a jealous and psychotic mad scientist, who Aki manages to dispatch with her ultimate finishing move - a vaginal laser cannon (followed by the seemingly sexual satisfaction of having blood and chunks of meat rain down on her from her vanquished foe). What the hell?!? The sad thing is that this completely absurd sequence is more baffling than shocking, and so poorly realized that it's not even entertaining.

Shot in an abandoned school or office building using mostly natural light, the movie looks awful and the production values are terrible. The makeup is laughably bad and the gore effects are ridiculous. The movie only exists as a pathetic excuse to get a couple of amateur porn actresses naked and covered in blood, and even that isn't interesting. I can only recommend it as a study in incompetence and incomprehensibility. Apart from the outrageous climax, my favorite forehead slapping scene was watching Sayaka pick up a guitar after sharing a bowl of soup and making love to Aki on the kitchen floor. The incongruity is mind boggling and I almost expected a nonsensical musical number to follow. The fact that this didn't happen is even more baffling, and makes you question the point of the entire scene. Or the entire film for that matter. It's pretty safe to say that you should avoid this movie at all costs.