Golden Queen Commando (HK 1984)

Rating: **
Director: Chu Yin Ping
Cast: Brigitte Lin, Sally Yeh, Elsa Yeung (Yang Hui San)

What a crazy film! It starts out as a women in prison film, and Black Fox (tough and sexy Brigitte Lin) plans a breakout for her and six specially chosen inmates. Each of the Hong Kong hotties has a specialty and Black Fox blackmails the girls into helping her destroy a chemical plant that's producing nasty weapons. From here it turns into "The Magnificent Seven," and all of the girls end up sacrificing their lives to further their cause. That's a major bummer because they're all really hot. Brigitte Lin burns up the screen as a tough gunslinging bitch with an eye patch and mysterious intentions. A totally bad-ass Sally Yeh is a drop-dead gorgeous sexy demolition expert, and by the end of the film you're left begging to see more of her. Additionally there's a way cool, spiky haired, sunglass wearing, bible toting, gunslinger chick named Black Cat (Elsa Yeung) who constantly challenges Black Fox's motives and authority. Then there's a snotty prostitute, a tough and sexy Mongolian wrestler chick, an alcoholic swordswoman, and an adorably cute cat burglar. These all-attitude chicks mean business and kick some serious ass, all without smearing their perfect makeup or chipping a nail (and some of their makeup is pretty severe). Apart from the girls' overwhelming presence, the film is really terrible. The editing and continuity are laughably bad, the story is confusing and disjointed, and many of the action scenes are filmed in complete darkness. The music is even funnier, with pieces taken from Ennio Morricone spaghetti Western scores, "Battlestar Galactica" (1978), and even "Tron" (1982)!