Golden Ninja Invasion (Thailand 1987)

Rating: *
Review Date: 4/10/16
Director: Godfrey Ho

Ugh. Godfrey Ho is at it again with this mix-and-match atrocity that looks like at least three different films spliced together with no sense whatsoever. The film opens with a guy getting attacked in an alley by a bunch of thugs, and they cut off his hand with a table saw. Then we cut to some random ninja footage and introduce the Western crime boss, who is the head of the Red Ninja clan (even though they wear black). When we meet up with Richie again, we're told that he's got a new bionic hand that can discharge 10,000 volts in case of an emergency. Most of the time it's just a regular old hand until he puts a black glove on it, which seems to indicate that now it's super strong. Next, we're introduced to the Blue Ninja, who is just some random white dude in blue pajamas. He's been assigned to assist Richie from the shadows to bring down the Red Ninja clan. It turns out the Red Ninjas are after some non-descript blueprint that some scientist may or may not have, and they decide the best way to get it is to kidnap his daughter, who just happens to be a kung fu expert. Even after multiple attempts on her life, she haughtily refuses to accept Richie's help or protection, which causes Richie to go to a bar in a fit of depression and hit on a pretty girl named Candy. Too bad for him, she happens to be a Red Ninja lieutenant and hypnotizes Richie with some supernatural power while her buddies try to cut off his hand (again). Fortunately, he escapes in the nick of time, and then he and Candy inexplicably become lovers after she tearfully confesses "I wasn't born evil. They forced me to become a ninja!" Are you still with me? At this point it just becomes a nonsensical mish-mash of escalating violence and revenge. The blueprint MacGuffin is tossed aside when the bad guys inexplicably decide to kill the scientist, who was the only one who knew anything about it. The film ends with Richie unconvincingly electrocuting one of the bad guys with his bionic hand, while the Blue Ninja goes after the head of the organization.

As you would expect, the film is absolutely awful and extremely difficult to watch. The continuity is essentially non-existent, and it's impossible to follow who's who and what's going on. The ninja angle is pointlessly absurd, and so is the film's title. It's red ninjas versus blue ninjas, so obviously the title should have golden ninjas in it. The soundtrack is also a mash-up of numerous sources, including "The Terminator" (1984). The action scenes are terrible, and even though two of the female leads look like they're physically capable, the choreography and editing spoil any fun that might have been had from their climactic knife-vs-shovel fight. A complete disappointment on all levels.